Hold Me When It Rains
by Alexiel Reborn
Summary: Rain. It always haunted him. The drumming rain. Can Hakkai ever find someone to fill the gap in his heart? Can he open up enough to let the one who cares so much inside? HakkaixGojyo SanzoxGoku
1. Despair

**Disclaimer:** I do not, and will probably never own Saiyuki. It's way too good to be mine! Besides if I did own it there'd be a LOT more of Sanzo without his robes on.

**Author's Note:** Hey, this is my first Saiyuki although I've done countless other fics I've never gotten around to this one, until now! Just to let you people who read my other stories know, I'm working on the next chapter of Deceptions of the Heart (Inu Yasha), Rose Scented Love (YYH) and The Randomness of Love (YYH). Don't fear, I'm trying to get a lot of done before school starts and I have lots of new inspiration! Anyway about the story, much angst, romance and maybe some lemon scenes at the end. Don't know exactly how long this one will be though. Although I love Sanzo very much my favorite Saiyuki pair has to be Gojyo and Hakkai. (don't know why though)

**Warnings:** Excessive swearing, violence, sexual situations (yaoi --boyxboy love--)

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**Hold Me When It Rains**

by: Neko-Kyolover

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_There are times I looked into your eyes, and all I could see was despair. Those times scared me the most and I thought that I would be swept away by your sadness, unable to hold onto you anymore._

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Gojyo lit another one of his cigarettes and breathed in deep, letting the nicotine flood into his body in a rush. Man, did that feel good after a long hard day. The red-haired water sprite sat down on the small bed in the hotel room that he was renting for the night his cigarette hanging on the edge of his lip as he pondered. They had all managed to find a decent inn that had four open rooms so they wouldn't have to share as it usually happened and he had plenty of privacy and silence that he usually didn't.

Everyone seemed in a funk today…even more than usual. Sanzo had been especially pissed, Goku especially annoying, and Hakkai unusually depressed. Not that Hakkai was the type to show it, but Gojyo had known his best friend long enough to know when something was troubling him. There were unsettling feelings racing through their little band of misfits and Gojyo just couldn't wait until the whole damn thing blew over. Everyone had been very tense and jumpy lately and it resulted in a lot of bickering and fights (not that he hadn't been in his fair share of them of course). The reason being they hadn't run into any demons or obstacles lately and it put them all on edge just waiting for Kougaiji's next attack.

Gojyo stood abruptly from his seat taking another deep drag and walking to window where he stared out into the darkness of the little city. There was a light patter on the glass and Gojyo winced as he saw the rain begin to fall from the dampened sky. It wasn't that the rain bothered him, but he knew what kind of affect it had on Hakkai. He knew that Hakkai could take care of himself, but that didn't stop Gojyo from worrying. He pondered restlessly whether or not he should go and check on Hakkai, but then he realized there really wasn't in use in it anyway. Hakkai would just smile and shake it off like he always does pretending that it was nothing.

"Damn it. Doesn't he know I'll listen to him? He doesn't have to hide it." Gojyo said angrily to himself as he watched his faint reflection in the glass, smoke curling up around his fuming silhouette.

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"There it is again...that rain..." Hakkai murmured softly to himself, pressing one hand long on the cold window pane.

'_The rain is drumming louder and louder. I just want it all to end. For this night to end. Someone kill me. I can hear her voice back to me. My scars can't fade away. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget her memory which stands so vividly...scarred in my mind'_

"_Gonou...I can't...It's too late for me...That monster's child grows inside of me....I'm sorry....goodbye....Gonou..." _

"Get out! ...Out of my mind!" Hakkai chanted to himself as he beat his fist on the wall. His brown hair hung over his haunted eyes as he tried to erase the vision of her bloodied body on the ground. He would have loved her, no matter whose child she had, he would have loved her all the same and nothing could change that.

Hakkai slowly stood straight his eyes burning with sorrow and regret. If only he had been able to do something...anything at all just to stop her, but no...he had just stood there and watched...watched as she threw her life away...just because she probably thought he wouldn't love her if she carried someone else's child.

"Kanan…" His voice whispered desperately and he clenched his eyes shut as that memory of her face came to him once again, tears streaming down her beautiful cheeks, that knife..._his _knife in her hand. He would never forget that night. Never in a hundred years or more. Never would he forget the night he lost his love and became a demon by bathing in the blood of so many.

"_Oh Gonou...Neither of us will ever be alone again..." _

"You're wrong, Kanan...You were wrong...and all because of me..." Hakkai's haunted whispers echoed through his dark room. Without a second thought Hakkai turned to the doorway and made his way quickly into the hall and out into the pouring rain.

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--- -.- ---

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Hakkai wasn't the only one having a hard time in the rain tonight. Sanzo also found himself unable to sleep, tossing back and forth in the covers of his bed, golden hair disheveled and violet eyes burning. He sat up in his bed the white sheets pooling around his midriff. He felt sweaty and dirty, his tight black shirt clinging irritatingly to his skin.

A creak from the door way brought his attention over to the pair of golden eyes peering curiously at him. "Sanzo?" Goku's voice questioned hesitantly.

"Damn saru, what do you want?" Sanzo asked angrily, flopping back down onto the bed and turning to ignore the boy.

Goku pouted, but was used to the priests behavior. "I heard you from the other room." He said and Sanzo could hear the concern in his voice. That only irritated him more.

"Go back to bed." He said firmly and he closed his eyes determined to ignore the boy. He heard the door close softly and footsteps and he relaxed thinking that Goku had gone, but that was disproved as he felt hands tangle in his golden hair.

"Damn it, didn't I tell you to go to bed!" Sanzo said snapping his eyes open to see that Goku was right in his face.

"I wanna make sure you're all right." Goku said, blushing a little, but the little saru was determined to make sure that his sun was happy...well...happy as he usually was.

Sanzo found himself lost for a moment in those molten gold eyes that were filled with such concern for him and he caught his breath only to realize what he was doing. Quickly Sanzo covered his blush by smacking the brown haired boy on the head with his paper fan.

"Ow ow ow! Sanzo! What the fuck was that for!?" Goku exclaimed as he nursed his injured head.

"For keeping me up. Now got to bed before I have to shoot you." Sanzo warned.

Goku pouted again, but he really doubted that it was an empty threat. With a sigh the disappointed saru left the room, slowly shutting the door behind him.

In truth....Sanzo was sort of sad to have him gone...

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Gojyo still found himself transfixed by the window, even though a chill was growing on his uncovered arms. He hadn't yet changed into his sleepwear and he still wore his normal blue jacket vest and white shirt underneath.

His eyes scanned over the darkness outside, the empty street only illuminated from one single light coming from one of the nearby 24 hour stores. Not that anyone would likely be out at this hour, or so Gojyo thought. Now that he looked harder he could see someone moving down there. It was a little blurry from the pouring rain, but he could defiantly distinguish a figure. Who would be out here now?

The figure walked closer to the lighted area and Gojyo was able to make out his features. Short brown hair, green shirt with a pink sash across the front. Gojyo started when he realized who it was. Hakkai! But what would Hakkai be doing out in the rain at this time? It was sure to be freezing out. What was he thinking?

Gojyo instantly snapped out of his reverie and headed for the door. He could have just been seeing things right? Better check Hakkai's room first. Gojyo headed quickly down the hallway and to the doorway hoping that he would see his friend still in his bed. Before he even turned the doorknob he already knew the answer and sure enough Hakkai wasn't there.

"Damn, Hakkai, what are you doing?" Gojyo asked the empty room before turning and walking out the door and into the pouring rain after his friend.

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Hakkai knew that the slick rain was pouring down his sides, soaking through his thin clothing and causing it to stick uncomfortably to his skin. He knew that he was getting chilled and that shivers were beginning to rack his body. Hakkai knew all this, but he didn't feel any of it. He was numb, numb inside and out and he didn't much care what happened to him right now.

His feet were dragging through the soggy mud of the road layering his boots and the bottom of his pants in its squelchy substance, but he paid no heed to it. His mind could only focus on one thing.

"Kanan....Kanan..." He whispered quietly as he was surrounded by the thing he hated most above all. Rain. Rain pouring, rain drumming, endless pouring, streaming rain that would not go away, that would not leave his soul alone.

"I...I just want to be left alone!" He screamed at the sky knowing it would do no good, but he couldn't help himself. It was driving him crazy.

He began to run, faster and harder, his lungs heaving wildly and his heart racing trying to keep up with the speed. He ran through the mud, the rain, the endless streets all disappeared behind him in the silhouettes of darkness that he was lost in. Hakkai had no clue where he was going or even in what direction he just couldn't stand to be in the rain anymore. He just needed to find somewhere away from the hated substance...even if that meant if he had to run all night just to escape the clouds.

Finally his body gave out, though not his heart, as he collapsed to the sodden ground in a nearby forest. He had no clue where he was, but it was little better here under the trees. He could still hear the drumming against the leaves, against the branches and the ground and the rocks. It looked like wherever he went today the rain was insistent to follow. Giving up he collapsed under a tree and curled up against the bark, his hands covering his ears in a desperate attempt to rid him of the noise.

Hakkai felt himself growing weak and his eyes began to water. He didn't want to cry, but he knew that he couldn't hold it back anymore. These emotions would not be hidden behind a fake smile, they just couldn't. They were too strong.

Inside Hakkai wanted to feel weak. He wanted someone to be there to hold him and say everything was all right. For once Hakkai didn't want to be strong. Even though he knew they would worry, he wanted someone to be there. He had been so cold inside for so long and he was tired of it, this endless battle in which he could never win, only postpone the inevitable. Hakkai _was _going to break, he _was _going to fall apart and their was nothing he could do about it. Hakkai smiled sorrowfully as he suddenly realized...that time was now.

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Now it was Goku's turn to toss and turn in bed. He had thought he had heard someone else moving around out in the hallway, but when he had gotten up to check there had been no one there.

"Maybe I'm paranoid." Goku whispered to himself as he curled up tighter against the sheets. He was worried about Sanzo. He could hear the monk tossing in his bedroom and Goku knew there was something wrong with him even if he wasn't going to tell Goku.

Goku sighed and buried his face into his pillow. He really cared a lot for Sanzo, even if he did abuse him with that damn paper fan. Why was Sanzo always so cruel to him? Even as he wondered that he knew it really wasn't true. There were those odd moments, when Sanzo would simply ruffled his hands through Goku's brown locks and an peculiar _almost_ smile would appear on his lips as though he really was amused, but he didn't want to show it. That was what Goku lived for, moments like that...moments that he would remember late into the night recalling the feeling of Sanzo's gentle fingers on his scalp, touching his skin. Just thinking about it now made Goku shiver with unknown feelings.

Maybe he would go talk to Hakkai. Hakkai could probably help him and wouldn't be mad about be roused in the middle of the night. Goku felt himself fill with hope. Yeah, he would just go talk to Hakkai about it. He probably would have an answer for him!

Goku untangled his limbs from the sheet and bounced out into the hallway and down to Hakkai's door.

"Hakkai?" Goku whispered as he opened the door and looked inside. Much to his surprise the room was empty, no figure in the bed or by the windowsill...nothing. '_That's odd_' Goku thought. Maybe he was in Gojyo's room? Goku jumped next door and quickly opened the door only to find that it was empty too. Where were Hakkai and Gojyo? It wasn't like them to both disappear in the middle of the night, especially when it was raining so heavily outside.

"Sanzo! Sanzo!" Goku cried as he scrambled to the monk's room and burst in through the door.

"What the fuck?!" Sanzo exclaimed shooting out of bed as the hysterical saru exploded into his room.

"Gojyo and Hakkai are missing!"

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"Shit. I can't see a thing in this rain" Gojyo cursed as he ran down the slick streets in search of his friend. "Hakkai you better be ok." Gojyo threatened, but inside he was feeling a sense of dread. Hakkai was the type of person to take his pain out on himself and try to keep it from everyone else. Gojyo knew his best friend like the back of his hand and he knew that Hakkai must be pretty upset to have left the dry sanctuary of the inn for the rain outside.

_Just please let him be ok. _

Gojyo wiped his wet hair out his face as he took the road down and out of the city. He was somewhat skeptical that Hakkai had gone this far, but he had searched the entire city and he could find him nowhere. Of course he could have overlooked somewhere, but something in his heart was telling him to go.

Why did Hakkai have to be like that, so self hurting, so masochistic? Why did he keep it all bottled inside like that? It was just going to hurt himself more when it finally all came out. Why did he always hide behind that damn smile, that smile that was obviously so fake and hiding so much sorrow? Gojyo wanted so badly to be the one Hakkai would open up to, he wanted to be the one to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be all right. He wanted to be there for Hakkai, but Hakkai wouldn't let him. Gojyo felt kind of hurt by this, but he tried to remember it was just Hakkai's nature to seek help from no one, but always give help to others.

Gojyo smiled even as he shivered from cold. There were some things that you just couldn't change about Hakkai or else he wouldn't be....Hakkai. Sometimes it was those little things, those little annoying facts that made Gojyo care so much about him. It was then he realized that he would do anything for his friend....no not friend....maybe...something more...

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"Damn it, the rains too thick. We're not going to find anything in this weather." Sanzo swore as he and Goku both hurried through the rain.

"Sanzo! I'm all wet!" Goku complained as he raced to keep up with Sanzo's pace.

"It's your own fault. You're the one who came into my room too worried to get your ass back into bed." Sanzo said frustrated. He wasn't exactly worried about Hakkai and Gojyo were doing out in the rain. In his mind they could do whatever the fuck they want, but Goku had been practically pulling his hair out at the thought that they might...keyword _might _be in trouble. The damn brat could be so exasperating sometimes.

Sanzo glanced down at the boy at his side. He actually looked quite stunning in the rain, his chestnut hair plastered around his round cheeks, those golden eyes smoldering and drops of moisture hanging luxuriously on his skin and on his moistened lips. Not to mention that his thin clothes he used to sleep in were sticking to his body showing every muscle and curve in his body. Suddenly Sanzo realized where his thoughts were headed and he snapped his head forward in annoyance. Just as soon as he found Hakkai and Gojyo he could back and get himself a goodnight's sleep. Little did he know that right now someone else was thinking strange thoughts about him too.

Goku couldn't help but let his eyes flicker up to Sanzo's water drenched form in admiration. He looked like an angel with the light from the streets reflecting on his wet golden hair, casting a glowing radiance around him. And his eyes, his beautiful violet eyes glowing with such passion and serenity. And did he just see Sanzo glancing down at him with a strange expression? Goku shook his head and went back to mindlessly following the monk still in total admiration.

Finally Goku was able to shake those thoughts from his head as he remembered the reason that they were out here in the freezing cold rain. "What do you think they may have been doing?" Goku asked as they finally reached the outskirts of the town with no results and kept on heading down to the forest just on the horizon.

Sanzo looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. "I heard them leave separately. Hakkai first and then Gojyo...It may...have something to do with..."

Goku looked up at him curiously when he didn't answer. "with what?"

Sanzo brushed his golden bangs from his face and frowned deeply. "...the rain..." he mumbled mostly to himself.

"With the rain? What about the rain?" Goku asked again, not quite getting it. He knew that the rain brought back memories for Sanzo, but he hadn't known that it affected Hakkai. Then again he had never really much concentrated on Hakkai. It seemed he was always more concerned for Sanzo although he did care for Hakkai, but it seemed that Sanzo was always special in his eyes. Could this have something to do with the woman he had been in love with before. What had been her name? Ah yeah, it was Kanan.

"You think...they're all right?" Goku asked in a tiny whisper, fear penetrating his voice.

Sanzo's eyes darkened as he felt Goku's worry gradually manifest into his own heart. "What do you mean? What the hell could happen to them? They're just idiots. They're be fine." Sanzo reassured Goku, but somehow he was really just trying to reassure himself.

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To Be Continued....

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Tell me what you think, k? Any feedback is appreciated. I like to know what people other than my friends think of my work. (They never make the best critics. They always wanna say its good no matter what!) Anything you don't understand or any questions please ask! Well then until next time, ja ne!

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	2. Innocence

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Saiyuki or any of its characters. If I did they'd probably having sex in every episode.

**Author's Note:** I know I said that this was mostly going to be about Hakkai and Gojyo, but this chapter just happens to be a lot about Sanzo and Goku. Much angst, much fluff. Lemons coming soon.

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Hold Me When It Rains

by: Neko-Kyolover

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_I found happiness there...true happiness, but then I realized it was just a dream...a dream that faded away into nothing and when I awoke I shuddered to realize it wasn't true._

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It was dark, his eyes closed tightly shut to the world. It was cold, but he ignored his frequent shivering. His body would undoubtedly suffer from this abuse later, but he could care less right now. His heart was aching too much to think about what his body was going through. He just wanted it all to end and the rain to stop its endless pounding. Let the morning come and wash away his sorrows, plunge him back into a busy world where her memory could not haunt his soul.

He was not expecting anyone to come for him even though he desperately wished for it. He longed for someone to be here next to him so that he might show them his sorrow, but he knew no one even knew that he was out here. It was all just wishful thinking, hoping, hoping that would get him no where because there really was no hope for him. Hakkai the optimist...yeah...without any hope at all...How ironic...

He curled up tighter against himself under the flimsy shelter of the tree. He felt just so idiotic for leaving. Everyone else was snug and dry in their bed sleeping unaware of him out here making a fool of himself because no one was going to come. Hakkai slowly lifted one shaking wet hand to look at it.

"_I love your hands...you have such beautiful fingers. Is it weird to describe a man as beautiful?"_

"How could anyone ever love these hands again with so much blood on them." He heard himself say as he slowly lowered them.

_Am I worth anything to anyone anymore? How can anyone love someone who is stained with so much blood. I don't deserve...anything that I have. I deserve whatever pain and loneliness befalls me because I am covered in sin. No matter what that sin can never be erased...never be forgotten. There is no one to forgive me or to cleanse my dirty soul. This is the way I will always be, sinned and dirty...stained and scarred. That is why no one loves me, no one can ever love me._

"All I wanted...was to be with you..." Hakkai murmured as he felt another sob rack his body as his head dropped to the ground as he let his ashamed tears fall freely to the earth. "All...all I wanted was you..."

And it was silent for a while...the silence stretching on forever with only the rain in the background with its never ceasing drumming. But then there was another sound that soon followed, one that Hakkai almost thought was just a dream. A voice...calling...calling _his_ name.

Gojyo had now entered the forest at the edge of town and he was relieved at some reprieve from the endless pounding rain on his head. It had left him rather soaked, annoyed, and chilled. He was thoroughly pissed, but more than that he was increasingly worried. Hakkai was out here somewhere in this shit and he was probably going to make himself sick. He would always fuss over everyone else, but never make sure to see if he was doing ok.

"Hakkai! Hakkai!" he called out through the darkened brush hoping that he was somewhere nearby. _Where was he?_

Gojyo could almost feel that he was nearby. Then he saw him and Gojyo's heart nearly skipped a beat. He looked so...broken...so haunted. Gojyo had never seen him like that before and truth be told it kind of startled him. Gojyo felt his steps speed up and until he was running up to Hakkai's side. Kneeling down in the mud he was able to get a good view of Hakkai's tear-filled face.

Gojyo's eyes widened slightly. He had never really seen Hakkai cry before. No matter how depressed Hakkai had been he had never cried...never. "Hakkai? Hey man, are you alright?" Gojyo asked tentatively and laying a hand on his shoulder.

Hakkai stared at him for a moment before, struggling to regain his composure, but Gojyo could see the pain he was in. It was so terribly obvious.

"Oh...Gojyo.." Hakkai said softly as he tried to wipe away his tears with his shivering hands. Gojyo gently took one of his trembling hands in his own and stopped him.

"Here. Let me do that for you." He said incredibly softly as he brushed his fingertips against Hakkai's tear smeared cheek catching the droplets and wiping them swiftly away.

Hakkai stared at him with surprised and shamed eyes before he apologetically hung his head letting his brown bangs hide his eyes. "I'm sorry...for letting you see me like this..." Hakkai murmured as he tried to remove his hand that was still interlocked with Gojyo's. Gojyo held fast to his hand nonetheless.

"No." Gojyo insisted firmly as he lifted Hakkai's chin with his other hand to meet his emerald eyes and hold them steadfast. "It's about time you let me see your pain. I don't want you to have to hide it anymore." There was a bit of command in his voice, one that would not take no for an answer.

Hakkai gave a sudden jaded laugh. "I guess you really knew just how weak I was all along." Hakkai whispered as he let his body droop. He couldn't believe he was letting Gojyo see him like this. If it had been anyone but Gojyo he might have been able to bear it, but Gojyo...for some reason he just did not want Gojyo to see in such a weak state. He probably thought he was so pathetic and helpless, which he wouldn't deny that he was.

Much to Hakkai's surprise he suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap tightly around his body and then realization hit him. Gojyo was _hugging _him. Hakkai had never known Gojyo to be the one to openly display his affection or even have much affection for the other members of their group

"Gojyo...wh—what are you doing?" Hakkai exclaimed in surprise as he felt the soggy warmth of Gojyo's arms tightened. It was comforting and it was exactly what Hakkai had been waiting for these past few moments. Someone to hold him, someone to comfort him, but...Gojyo? Was Gojyo really the one he wanted?

"Everyone needs a hug now and then." Gojyo said with a smile as he brushed Hakkai's soggy strands of hair out of his face. Hakkai blushed and averted his eyes. This was definitely not the usual Gojyo.

"Well now. How about we get out of the damn rain and then we can talk about this back at the inn. How does that sound?" Gojyo suggested as he noticed Hakkai's increased shivering. Frankly, they were both soaked to the bone and if they stayed like this for much longer they could come down with something.

Hakkai nodded and made a little sound in his throat, unable to really say anything at all. Gojyo stood and lifted Hakkai's body along with him, slinging one of Hakkai's arms over his shoulder. Back through the rain and the muck they made their way, unaware of the two soaking pissed people still out in search for them.

-.-

"Sannzzzo! I'm hungry." Goku moaned as they searched through the forest for the second time. It had been a couple hours since they had started searching and they were both very tired.

Sanzo was too weary for words so he simply brought out his paper fan and whacked Goku across the head again. They had been trudging through this damn woods for too long in his opinion and he was ready to sit down and get some sleep _anywhere _at this point.

They had now gotten themselves thoroughly lost in the dense foliage of the forest and Sanzo was quickly getting pissed. To add to their troubles a thick fog had started to settle after the rain began to wear away. It looked like they weren't going to get out of the forest till after the fog cleared up which it was in no hurry to do.

"Fuck, I can't see a thing in this damn fog. This is all your fault Goku!" Sanzo said as he whacked Goku yet again with his fan.

"OW! Can you quit doing that?!" Goku exclaimed as he rubbed his head. That had been the fifth time in a row in the past ten minutes. "It's not my fault we got lost. I'm the one following you!"

Sanzo took out another cigarette out of his pack and brought it to his lips. "We aren't going to get anywhere at this rate." He accused callously as he opened his lighter and quickly lit his cigarette.

"So what the fuck do we do?" Goku asked, starting to panic a little. The fog was really thick and it was kind of creeping him out. When Sanzo didn't answer him he bounced up to the monk and clung onto his arm. "What do we do? What do we do? Sanzo! SANZO!"

"Just shut up!" Sanzo growled as he shoved Goku roughly away. Did he always have to cling like that? It made him uncomfortable. And the other reason he was so agitated, other than the saru's friggin' annoying whining was that he really had no clue what they were supposed to do.

"Well Gojyo and Hakkai are somewhere out there...and that could be anywhere. I'm willing to bet that they can take care of themselves, so I suggest that we just find somewhere to rest and wait it out." Sanzo said finally after a few moments of nicotine induced thoughts. Boy did that stuff calm his nerves.

Goku and Sanzo trudged on for a few more minutes before Goku suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"What now?" Sanzo asked exasperated.

Goku squinted through the mist. "I think I see something. C'mon!" he yelled excitedly as he went romping ahead.

"Dumbass, get back here before you get lost!" Sanzo said running after him. It would be to easy for that idiot to get lost in this mist.

Just when Sanzo thought he had lost sight of the boy he came almost crashing into him as Goku stopped and pointed at a blurry object in the fog. "See. A cave!" Goku announced cheerily as though he were a puppy waiting for a treat.

Sanzo just glared at him before he went strutting ahead. "C'mon. I'm tired of staying in these damn soggy clothes."

Goku pouted but quickly bounced after Sanzo happily none-the-same. He wouldn't admit it, but he really didn't mind be stuck out, lost in this forest all alone with Sanzo.

The cave was relatively small, but not so small as to be cramped for the two companions. The main thing on Sanzo's mind was that it was dry and _he _was wet. That didn't suit well for him. There was no time lost in him stripping off his soggy robe and hanging it up to be dried. 

Goku watched him, his golden eyes widening. He had seen Sanzo many times in his tight black sleeveless shirt he always wore underneath his robes, but it didn't mean he didn't admire him every time. The way that Sanzo's smooth muscles were outlined in the skin tight cloth made him shudder involuntarily.

"What are you gaping at?" Sanzo asked as he sat down on the stone floor of the cave and made himself comfortable, well as comfortable as you could be on a stone floor that doesn't feel exactly comfy as a couch especially if you have a skinny butt like Sanzo's.

"Noth-Nothing!" Goku stuttered as he turned away with his cheeks flushed. Was he just checking out Sanzo?! Goku shook his head and quickly stripped down to just his jeans and his white t-shirt. His pants were wet, but he didn't feel exactly comfortable about walking around in his underwear with Sanzo watching him.

It was quite dark in the cave and Goku could barely make out anything, but shadows in the cave when he slowly moved further back to explore. It didn't go back very far and soon he grew bored a returned to Sanzo's side.

"Do you think they're ok?" Goku asked worriedly pulling on Sanzo's arm.

Sanzo huffed in annoyance. "Would you stop worrying. Of course they're fine. They're just idiots anyway. Besides you shouldn't care so much...you'll just get hurt." Those last words were quieter and it seemed as though Sanzo had been lost in particular thoughts when Goku had interrupted him.

"I can't help it if I care. They're our friends, Sanzo. Shouldn't you care about your friends?" Goku asked, his eyes somewhat betrayed by Sanzo's statement.

Sanzo let his cigarette drop down from his fingers and with his boot he squashed it into the ground. "No. You'll just get hurt that way." Sanzo said coldly as he turned away from the saru.

Goku felt somewhat crushed at his words. "Do...do you mean you don't care about me either?"

Sanzo paused for a moment, taken aback by his words. "I care for no one, but myself." He announced coldly even though he could already feel a pang in his heart. He knew that those words would hurt Goku, but he had still said them.

'_I could have said nothing'_ he thought to himself in disgust. '_I could have just been silent...and it wouldn't have hurt him as much...but yet I had to keep on being the cold bastard that I am...' _

Goku felt his heart crumple at those words and he turned away trying to hide his emotion from Sanzo. Undoubtedly it would only annoy him, so why bother telling Sanzo how he felt?

"Oh..." were the only words that slipped softly from his lips as his eyes filled with hurt. He knew that Sanzo didn't want to care for anyone, and even if he did he would never _ever_ say that he did, but right now it hurt him to have it so bluntly shoved at his face.

"But even if you don't care for people...that doesn't stop them from caring about you..." Goku said frankly as he stood up and began to walk out the cave.

"Get your ass back here." He heard Sanzo's gruff voice command. When he didn't obey he felt a hand grab onto his and pull him back. Goku looked up surprised into violet eyes glaring intensely down at him. Before he knew what was happening Sanzo had his body pinned against the rock wall and his lips were pressing Goku's in a deep rough kiss.

Sanzo didn't know what the hell he was doing, but he blamed that damn saru for making him so confused. Why did he have to get so upset over what he said? They were just words. He just didn't want to admit how much Goku really did mean to him, not even to himself. So he had just acted with instinct and here he was kissing Goku.

Goku's heart began to beat wildly as he felt Sanzo's lips move on his own. Squirming in his grasp he gasped when the kiss finally ended. "What the hell?" Goku panted as he stared up at Sanzo his lips tingling.

Sanzo stared down at Goku his eyes filled with mixed emotions. "Why do you make me feel this way?" Sanzo asked gruffly as he closed the distance between them again and kissed him deeper, running his tongue along Goku's lips. Goku's mouth parted in surprise and Sanzo used this chance to slip his tongue into Goku's cavern. His hands were wandering, finding there way under the boy's thin white t-shirt and traveled up his toned muscled chest.

"Sanzo..." Goku moaned as those lips found their way down his neck with gentle licks and bites. "What are...you doing?" he asked breathlessly beginning to shudder. His whole body was tingling and he could feel Sanzo's hands burning on his bare skin.

"Shut up...Goku..." Sanzo said his breath tickling Goku's sensitive skin. With a rough tug he had stripped Goku of his shirt. He gazed down at Goku's dark form wishing there was more like so he could see that smooth tan skin that always caught his eye. Oh well, he could always feel it.

Goku's breath hitched as Sanzo's lips trailed down his neck and across his shoulder. Sanzo enjoyed the feeling of Goku's lithe form squirming against him trying to fight back the urges that he knew were surging through the boy's body right now. With a grin his hand began to trail to the buckle of his pants.

Goku's head was spinning. What was Sanzo doing to him? His whole body was flushing and this feeling. It was...It felt...It felt like something he shouldn't be doing...especially not with Sanzo. And then the hand reaching, unclasping his pants...

"Sanzo...wait..." he whispered, his voice shaking. Sanzo's hand froze and he looked up at Goku's eyes shining in the darkness. There had been something in that voice, something that seemed so innocent and suddenly Sanzo felt so dirty.

"Go—ku" Sanzo said slowly as he backed up. What had he just been doing?

Goku hung his head and slowly reached for his shirt as though he was shamed. "It's not right...It's not right..." he mumbled as he pulled it on. Silently he turned to Sanzo with haunted eyes.

"It's not right...for you to touch me...I...I don't deserve you..." Goku said suddenly.

Sanzo's brow furrowed. "What the hell do you mean?"

Goku looked up at him, his eyes brimming with tears. "Because...you're my sun...my savior...everything I have...You were always there to save me...and I could never save you...and...and I love you!" he declared as he shut his eyes tight waiting for Sanzo to deny him...yell at him...hit him again with his paper fan...but the blow never came.

Slowly he opened his eyes to the most peculiar sight...Sanzo....Sanzo was crying.....

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To Be Continued....

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**Author's Note:** Please forgive me if you think that some of the characters are a little OOC. I couldn't resist. I'm portraying Goku as being pretty innocent because it makes it all the more sweeter. I was very close to just having them go at it, but I realized it's a little too soon in the story for that. Besides I wanted it to be sweet. Lots more of Hakkai and Gojyo in the next chapter. I promise.

**Reviewer Response**:

**XZanayu**: Thanks. I'm glad you like it!

**Wilson**: How else am I going to kept people reading it? Besides it's fun to be evil. lol.

**KitsuneSkye203**: I worked as fast as my lazy butt could take!

**Aera-Chan**: Hope you enjoyed this one too. They're be lots more angst because I like that...

**Fleur-de-Lis**: Here you go! 'nother chapter done. Hope it didn't leave you hanging....too much

**Kat-chan**: Thank yous Thank yous

**Kiarra**: I never forget about my fics!....I just....get really lazy....lol

**Evayasha**: Hope you thought that this chapter was just as good.

Thank you all who reviewed. Hope to hear from you again.


	3. Broken

**Author's Note**: Thanks everyone for waiting so long for me! Had a bit of a going-back-to-school writer's block. Now the first two weeks are over!!...and it's only just begun. T-T. I think I'll just go in a corner and cry.

It's Sept 11th. It's been what...three years since the incident? I didn't even remember till my friend told me. People so easily forget things, don't they? Sometimes we forget important things that should never be forgotten. It's such a shame that all those people who died will some day be nothing but numbers in a history textbook. When this generation dies and another one comes along they won't really understand so it will just all fade away into meaningless words that those who have never experienced such things won't understand.

I may be young...I might be ignorant...and I might be a little naive....but at least I understand this one thing...even though I get pissed at all the stupid things that happen in the US...even though I think all the people in politics these days are assholes...I know that this is my country and I'll never be able to call anywhere else my home for as long as I live.

And now.....Let's forget about all that....and move on to something that I can actually understand...........Saiyuki.....

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**Hold Me When It Rains**

by: Neko-Kyolover

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**Chapter Three:** _Broken_

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_I'm reaching for you, my hands outstretched, but never can I touch you. Inches from my fingers you linger...just out of my reach_

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_Goku looked up at him, his eyes brimming with tears. "Because...you're my sun...my savior...everything I have...You were always there to save me...and I could never save you...and...and I love you!" he declared as he shut his eyes tight waiting for Sanzo to deny him...yell at him...hit him again with his paper fan...but the blow never came._

_Slowly he opened his eyes to the most peculiar sight...Sanzo....Sanzo was crying....._

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Goku's eyes widened as he reached out a hand to catch that single drop that had carved a path down Sanzo's pale cheek. "Sa—Sanzo?!" he asked stuttering. He couldn't believe what was right in front of him.

Sanzo looked at him with eyes that were haunted and empty. There was a slight grimace on his face, those lips trying to tighten into an angry scowl. Sanzo clenched his hand angrily at his side and turned his face away. "What did you say?" he hissed.

"I said I loved you...Sanzo." Goku said meekly. Did he upset Sanzo?

"Why would _you _love _me_?" Sanzo asked almost mockingly, but his heart was longing to hear the answer.

Goku clenched his hands and shuffled his feet nervously. "I thought it was obvious." Goku said quietly.

Sanzo huffed trying to regain his composure. He didn't know why he was so shaken up. It was just that no one...._no one_....had ever told _him_ that they loved him before. "Just because you love me doesn't mean I'll love you back. It doesn't work like that." Sanzo said suddenly.

Goku's eyes fell down to his feet. "I know that...it's just that...I don't think that really matters. I think that as long as I can be near you...I'll be fine...I just want...to be with you. You're everything...the only one that was always there for me...I was so lonely and desperate...and then your hand reached down for me...and I felt like I was being reborn. Looking into your face that moment I could see something...something that I knew I would always admire and trust. I never want to betray that. I never want to betray you, Sanzo..."

His voice so pure...and so honest that it made Sanzo shiver. He felt his heart imbue with unwanted emotions and he gritted his teeth. Why did Goku always have such an affect on him?

"Don't you understand. I'm not going to be here forever. And if you stood in my way I would have to...I would...have to..." he tried to deny, but he couldn't hide it. Everything he was saying was just a lie because he was afraid...yes scared to accept Goku, afraid of getting hurt again. His heart had opened once and been torn apart. He had lost everything that was dear to him and that wasn't..._wasn't..._going to happen again.

His thoughts were cut short as he felt Goku press into his back, wrapping his arms around Sanzo's small waist. "Nothing matters....as long as you're here right now..." Goku confessed, pushing his face into Sanzo's back. Slowly Sanzo turned around in Goku's embrace so that he was facing him.

"How can you be so hopeful and optimistic? Can't you see how futile this all is?! How can you put your faith so blindly in something that will never last and will only wither away?! Don't you know that all you can get from me is pain?"

"I don't care. I'd rather live a life of pain than a life without you." Goku said looking up at Sanzo with big golden eyes on the verge of tears.

Sanzo felt the traces of a smile on his lips as he lifted one hand to brush against Goku's soft cheek. "You're the only one stupid enough to say such a thing." He said almost tenderly.

Goku smiled up at him, staring deep into those violet eyes that he loved so much. Sanzo gently moved his hand to the back of Goku's neck to lift him up so that his lips brushed against Goku's in the lightest of kisses. Goku felt his heart flutter at the feeling and he was limp within Sanzo's arms.

"We should probably get some rest." Sanzo said quietly. His fingers were still entwined into Goku's short locks, gently massaging his scalp.

Goku nodded his arms still around Sanzo, unwilling to let go. He enjoyed the physical contact between them. The sensation of Sanzo's skin against his own made him shiver with the sensuality of it all.

"Bakasaru...." Sanzo whispered quietly as he sat down and pulled Goku into his lap. Goku sighed as he curled up against him his eyelids closing as he leaned his head against Sanzo's chest. His soft heartbeats were Goku's lullaby as he slowly drifted to sleep in the arms of his beloved sun.

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"What were you doing out there." Gojyo asked softly.

They were now back in Hakkai's room, seated on his bed. Hakkai looked down at his feet, his sopping wet hair strewn around his eyes. "I don't...know.." Hakkai said as he flexed his hand. Gojyo couldn't see it, but he could... The blood was still there no matter what he did. It was still there...tormenting him.

"You can't just go around doing stuff like that...It really worries me..." Gojyo scorned softly. "You're not the type to do something so stupid." His hand gently rested on Hakkai's shoulder.

Hakkai was mute, absorbing his words bit by bit, his lips almost quivering. He shuddered when he felt Gojyo's hand on him. He didn't deserve comfort, yet here Gojyo was...trying to soothe him. But to what purpose? He could never erase what had happened, what he had let happen, what he couldn't prevent, Kanan's death. It really all was his fault. If he...if he had been home that day...or if he had reached her sooner...if he had just been able to do...something..

"It's because....I deserve to suffer....and this anguish...It makes me forget her...for a little while..." Hakkai said suddenly, his voice eerily calm.

Gojyo's eyes widened at that statement. His hand tightened on Hakkai's shoulder and he turned him to look straight into his eyes. "You don't deserve pain...What happened...you can't blame yourself for it..."

"No." Hakkai said forcefully, pushing away Gojyo's hands. "No, you're wrong. I should suffer so that no one else has to suffer again. I can't let anyone else be hurt so I must hurt myself."

Gojyo began to feel himself grow angered. Didn't Hakkai see that he was hurting him by acting this way, by being so cold. "No, it's you that's wrong, Hakkai. Can't you see you're hurting _me _by acting this way. Don't you see you're surrounded by people that care about you? Sanzo, though he might not act like it, cares for you a lot, and Goku he cares too. And me....Hakkai...I care a lot for you...I..."

He never finished because Hakkai interrupted him. "NO! Stop it! No one should care! No one!" He stood up, his body filled with sudden rage and turmoil. He wouldn't allow them to care so much because he deserved pain. He wanted pain. He wanted to be rejected because he knew it was what he deserved.

Gojyo couldn't stand this anymore. Hakkai...why did he always have to be so self-righteous? Didn't he see that he had nothing to gain from hurting himself, but more pain than was necessary?

"Hakkai...Listen to me...Damn it. Can't you see you're hurting me? Can't you tell it hurts when you don't open up to me? Can't you tell that I'm in love with you?!" Gojyo shouted rashly, the words slipping from his lips before he even realized what he was saying.

Hakkai's eyes widened and he froze. _Love...Gojyo...loves me? _

Gojyo chuckled lightly running his shaking hands through his magenta bangs. "Oops. I didn't mean to say that...but its true. I can't deny it. No matter what you say can reverse it. Hakkai, you mean a lot to me as a friend...and as something else..." Gojyo said, trying to be lighthearted, but he was worried that his confession would bother Hakkai. He wasn't sure if Hakkai saw him that way...as more than a friend. Gojyo stood up so that he was mere inches away from Hakkai, waiting for his answer.

Hakkai didn't know what to say. He didn't even know what he felt about Gojyo. _I can't love again. I can't love because not only would I end up hurting myself, I'd probably end up hurting Gojyo. I don't want to put myself through that again. I swore...swore to never love again. So no...I can't accept your love. Besides...Gojyo's a guy. He's...he's not supposed to love me. Why does he love me? It's not right...It's not natural. _

"No. Don't love me." Hakkai said quietly as his fingers tightened around Gojyo's wet jacket. He shuddered as Gojyo's arms encircled him. _No. No. No. I want him to hold me, but I can't let him...but...hell...I want him to so bad. _

"No matter what you say. I will love you. You can't change love just like that. Love is irreversible." Gojyo said softly as he felt Hakkai relax in his embrace.

"No...No...We can't be together..." Hakkai kept mumbling even as he leaned his head against Gojyo's chest and he closed his eyes.

"Who's stopping us?" Gojyo murmured gently. "Who's there to tell us no?...To tell us that it's wrong?"

Hakkai sighed and buried his face deep into Gojyo's wet shirt. He could smell Gojyo everywhere, that same scent that occupied him all the time. He breathed it in and sighed even as he tried not to enjoy this.

"Me..." Hakkai said finally looking up at Gojyo's face, tears in his eyes. "Because...No matter how much you love me you can never replace Kanan. I don't want to betray her memory. I promised my heart to her and...I cannot just forget that because you think you love me."

Gojyo's smile faded from his lips and his hands dropping to his sides. "So. You...you really loved her...didn't you?" He said softly trying not to break his cool composure. His fingers twitched at his side.

Hakkai nodded. "I...I don't want things to be different between us...please...don't let this change anything...we're still friends...aren't we?" Hakkai asked.

"Yeah. Best of friends." Gojyo said quietly.

It was then that he realized he could never be as good as her. That he could only be a replacement...a sham. He could never compare to the real thing....that he could never be good enough. In Hakkai's mind she was perfect...everything that he wanted...but now he was left with just Gojyo and he could understand how Hakkai felt....sort of...cheated.

As much as Gojyo wanted to deny it....he wasn't Hakkai's first love. He wasn't the one that one that was held dear in his heart. First love was something special, something that couldn't be repeated, couldn't be copied. He knew that Hakkai had already had his first love, but...but Hakkai was Gojyo's first love. Didn't that count for something? Gojyo had never really loved anyone before and now that he had...his first love was to be rejected?

Everyone has scars in their past, demons that linger in their souls trying to devour them, but with Hakkai it seemed that he lived those scars everyday. Everyday he held them dear to his heart, not forgetting, but trying to move on at the same time. It couldn't work like that, but somehow...Hakkai was doing it.

No one can survive very long, bearing the weight of someone else on their heart, but still Hakkai was doing it...and he was doing it damn well. Even if he did break down now and then...Hakkai....Hakkai was actually very strong. Even though he needed other people he still separated himself from everyone else to suffer in his pain alone. If Hakkai had been weak he would have long ago found comfort is someone new....or even have killed himself. But no, Hakkai had managed to live through the years, keeping up the charade, keeping his honor...and staying loyal. He was so devoted that it almost astonished Gojyo. How could one stand up to all that weight just for the sake of one person who long passed away? He must have really loved her....Kanan....

Gojyo shook his head and lowered his eyes to stare at his feet. So. Here he was. Sha Gojyo. Only wanting to be loved, but...unable to find it, unable to have it. It always lingered there....just out of his reach, but he was never really able to grasp it. Was he so wrong to care? Was it so wrong to seek comfort in others?

"I'm sorry Gojyo....I'm sorry for causing so much trouble for you...and for not—"Hakkai began but Gojyo interrupted him softly.

"Don't sweat it man...It's better...it's just better that we act like none of this ever happened...ne? Go back to things how they used to be..." Gojyo said cheerfully, but inside he could feel a sinking disappointment and a cold numb grow inside his heart. Nothing was ever going to be the same between them, and he knew it...but it was just better...better that they at least pretended they were.

"Yeah...." Hakkai agreed his voice faint as he turned to face the dark window. He caught the look of heartache on Gojyo's face in the reflection....and he knew....he really knew....that both of their hearts were both like that window, dark and cold to the touch, but easily broken. Fragile beings that reflected only what lay on the surface and hid the truth deep inside where it was locked away...forever.

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To Be Continued....

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**Author's Note**:

This chapter is coming from partial experience. I know what it feels like to be just a replacement for someone else, although it was a friendship, not anything romantic. It really sucks because I really wanted to be there for someone, but then I realized, just before I wrote this in fact, that I really could never be good enough. That the person I was trying to replace was irreplaceable and I felt really pathetic. You can't replace a lost best friend, it's a damn hard thing to do. I originally wrote some of Gojyo's words as my own and this story really means a lot to me now.

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**Reviewer Responses**:

**Misora**: Yes, I know what you mean! I can't stand reading stories that obviously haven't been spell-checked. It REALLY annoys me. Obviously your not putting a lot of effort into your stories if you don't take the time if you're getting things right!

**Neechi**: I'm afraid that I'm going to get even more lazy with school. Gah, the cursed evilness begins again.

**Muse**: Thanks for taking the time to review and thanks for the compliments!

**AkuReiX**: Another chapter...more angst...more complications...more fluff...lol. Hope you enjoyed.

**Koryu-Sanzo**: Well I just recently started this one...well...maybe it's been a couple weeks, but I've only updated it a couple times. I've been spending too much time reading fanfiction instead of actually writing!

**The Princess**: ...did I leave you just wanting more this time? I'll try to update soon for you anxious people...

**Marron-chan1**: Thank you. I'm really trying to put my heart into this story.

**Crimson1**: If you've ever seen Gravitation, Shuichi and Yuki were my inspiration for this scene. They're a lot like Sanzo and Goku.

**Aera-Chan**: Well, I'm sorry, but you'll gonna need some tissues before the end of this. I'm already starting to tear up just thinking about the evil things that I will be writing. Why do I do it?.....I don't really know.

**XZanayu**: Gomen nasai, this took me a while didn't it?

**KitsuneSkye203**: All good things must come to an end. It is a sad thing is it not? But luckily for you...the story still has more chapters ahead!

**Schizo the Mentally Disturbed**: Yes. Well I have two pictures of Sanzo crying. THERE'S PROOF! Muahahahhaha.. anyway...yes Sanzo doesn't seem like the person that'd cry, but everyone cries now again I guess.

**Mato-ko**: Wow. You're excitable. Thanks for your wonderfully cheerful review.

**EvaYasha: **I finally completed this chapter! You know I've been working on it for the last two weeks?


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